How to be a Proper Troll

The rules of engagement

Photo by Jirka Konietzny on Unsplash

Rule number one is to never, under any circumstances, read the entire article you are trolling. This will lead to confusion and may possibly result in you losing track of your point.

Rule number two is to focus on only one sentence or even one word with which you disagree. This will allow you to fully express your justifiable anger. An example would be to vehemently object to the use of the number seven. You could make an argument that the use of the number seven is prejudicial, leaving out the equally important number six or number eight, you could then accuse the author of biased reporting.

Rule number three is that under no circumstances should you supply any facts that support your position, this will make you appear weak and ineffectual. The author of the words you are attacking should be willing to accept that your gut feeling is as valid as any facts.

Rule number four is that you should always mention that either the platform the writer appears on, or sources the author sites, are run by right wing ideologues or have Nazi ties. This will establish you as a moral authority and give you the upper hand.

Rule number five is to always bait the author by accusing them of having written an ill-informed piece. You can also accuse them of lying. If this approach draws the writer into engaging with you, then you have succeeded in properly trolling, and you should be able to wring several pages of back and forth that will enhance your status as an expert in the author’s field of study.

It is valuable to remember that, despite evidence to the contrary, you know more than anyone else about everything.

If you troll long enough and loud enough, you may come to be recognized as an influencer who will then be asked to appear on shows like Joe Rogan and Russell Brand.

This should make you proud.

Department of demons and fairy tale monsters.

An insider at the White House has informed us that after binge-watching The Dresden Files and Grimm, Donald Trump is preparing an executive order to redirect the efforts of ICE and have them focus exclusively on the elimination of the above-mentioned threats.

It is the commander in chief’s belief that demons and monsters are solely responsible for everything that has gone wrong in this country and only by eliminating them will we ever have lower grocery prices, affordable houses, and good jobs.

Mister Trump has been in negotiations with Transylvania, and despite the insistence of the Romanian government that Transylvania is not actually a country but a region, has pressed forward with plans to establish a holding facility in that area.

In a State of the Union address, Trump stated that America has been suffering long enough, and it’s time that a truly strong, and viral, and handsome, and articulate leader stands up to this abomination. (He didn’t actually use the words articulate or abomination because even after hours of sounding those words out, he was unable to pronounce them correctly.)

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