Radical Vegan Terrorists
Busted in midnight raid
In a daring midnight raid on a commune near Nashville, repurposed ICE agents stormed a vegan stronghold and arrested fourteen members of a suspected terrorist cell.
An informant had leaked a secret memo outlining the group’s plan to fight the consumption of meat by releasing genetically modified ticks into the wild.
Authorities fear that the prevalence of the ticks, spreading a condition known as alpha-gal syndrome, could negatively impact the meat and dairy industry and destroy the economy, and have launched a full scale attack to break up the vegan terrorist cells.
Vegans, long known for their obsessive desire to push their dietary choices on anyone unlucky enough to be in earshot, are the enemy.
A spokesman for the newly formed, Vegan Eradication Group, has said that they will not rest until the plague of veganism is eliminated, and the American public can return to enjoying the flesh of dead animals free from the ponderous heavy-handed proclamations of the vegans.
“This is a right as American as apple pie and baseball, and it’s horrifying to contemplate a group of people who are so twisted and wrapped up in their own ideology that they would force their ill-informed choices on the rest of this great nation.” Said a representative from Cargill Meat Solutions.
A group of concerned citizens from the beef, pork, and poultry industries have donated millions of dollars to media outlets to make sure their side of this ongoing threat is properly covered.
V.E.G. officers are being trained to recognize the telltale traits of vegans, thin, undernourished, and pale and to arrest and detain anyone who may fit this general description.
The arrested vegans are being held without bail or access to representation in a temporary facility, while a detention center on property owned by Harris Ranch in California is being built to house these miscreants.
It is believed that by incarcerating the vegans on Harris Ranch in proximity to thousands of happy cows wallowing in their own shit, that they will see how wrong their views are and return to being normal, well-adjusted, carnivorous Americans.
The Department of Health and Human Services has stated that the only thing that Americans need to fear is vegans, and that one only need to look at the picture of health and vitality that is the U.S. President to see the positive effect that a diet of beef, pork, and poultry will have.
Good satire and plausible someday, given how they're coming after everyone else.
The post-apocalypse is gonna be tough on vegans. They won't eat roadkill. Plus, they just might get eaten.