Job Search in the End Times

I am back on the job market and the Priest is in trouble and will return next week.

Photo by The New York Public Library on Unsplash

“I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows, I’m miserable now.”
-Morrissey

There are very few jobs for a person of my age and skill set. Most innocuous, low paying, and unintrusive jobs are given to people who still have a chance of being around for a while. I have no facility for navigating the intricacies of applying online, and I don’t look good on paper.

In this environment, I don’t have even a slim chance of finding work.

I have decided to take a different approach to my job search. The results, using my traditional method of job hunting which is to fabricate a resume, lie about my employment history, and recruit friends to function as references are no longer valid strategies in the modern world.

I have concluded that honesty is the best policy.

I will be forthcoming as to my intentions, relevant experience, and references.

I will no longer rely on lies, deception, and fabrication.

To wit: the following letter.

Dearest Employer,
I come to you on my knees and beg your indulgence. I have sinned against the system and for that, I humbly apologize.

I have been remiss in my duties as a productive and useful citizen. Not only that, but I have squandered my time on useless pursuits that do nothing to contribute to the continuation of the status quo.

I am encountering difficulty becoming the useful cog I know I can be if only given the chance.

I realize that I am failing the system, the country, and my fellow minions by being unemployed, and I truly hope that you will be able to assist me in returning to my proper place.

Sincerely
With all respect and devotion
Your humble servant,
Michael

To begin on this path of becoming a useful and compliant citizen I will have to retype my resume which will, if I’m being honest, show dozens of low-wage service jobs that I had into my 30s, some futile attempts at office work none of which lasted much longer than 6 months, and a long period listed only, ambiguously, as self-employment.

I have no references of any kind from anyone for whom I worked, so I will have to disclose that.

I have a burning desire to work in cybersecurity but in the absence of actual experience in the field and in keeping with my new more honest approach I will be forced to admit that I have no idea how to deal with APT42 hackers who pose as journalists to harvest credentials and access cloud data or how to deal with a critical Tinyproxy flaw that opens over 50,000 hosts to remote code execution.

It’s not in my wheelhouse yet.

But I am a quick learner.

In the event that the above does not produce a flow of highly lucrative job offerings, I will, perhaps, try to get a new counseling business started (another pursuit for which I am unqualified). This new endeavor would involve teaching people how to be more honest when applying for jobs and more accepting of their position in the system.

If people could just embrace their place in the modern world and quit whining about things like human rights, decent pay, and workplace safety, I think we would all be better off, and then the empire could get back to the serious business of exploiting the workers and destroying the planet.

And isn’t that what we all really want?

Don’t we all want to just get back to normal?

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Since my fantasy of making enough money to support myself with writing is not going to come true, I’m joining the beggars banquet and including this link so you can send me money if you want.